3 ways to improve your Focusing partnerships
In my last blog, I outlined five ways that we can improve our listening that were general, in that they might apply in any Focusing experience. Today, I offer three ways to improve Focusing partnerships in a way informed by your felt sense and unique needs. These three points can be useful to peer-to-peer exchanges, and to some extent also apply in professional settings. Much of it is inspired by Dr. Janet Klein’s Interactive Focusing, as well some is from Gendlin.
1. The listening you need: "Focuser-as-teacher"
Dr. Janet Klein developed Interactive Focusing, a beautiful way of adding more empathy to our Focusing practice. (I recommend checking out Focusing Initiatives International’s page on Interactive Focusing to learn more about this brilliant practice and to connect with teachers of this form, such as Masumi Maeda.) Interactive Focusing includes four "building blocks", of which "Storyteller-as-teacher" or “Focuser-as-teacher” is one. The idea assumes that the storyteller (the Focuser, as in this practice there is emphasis on sharing details in order to be able to empathize more) both wants to be heard empathically/compassionately and that they are their “own best expert” on how they need to be listened to (see Chapter 1 of Dr. Klein’s publication). Therefore it follows, that the “best person to teach a listener to listen empathically and compassionately is the storyteller". Only they can take what was just said back inside, to see if it resonates with what the felt sense has offered.
Sometimes the words are captured, but the feeling wasn’t captured in the reflection, as Dr. Klein explains in this video on storyteller-as-teacher. And so this is a way of experiential teaching: by taking the listener’s reflective response and checking its resonance with our felt sense, and then providing feedback on the listening during the Focusing experience. So we are teaching our listener the exact way we need to be listened to right now.
Another benefit is that it reduces nervousness about listening. As Dr. Mary McGuire shares in the video above, it is empowering for both Focusers and listeners, as the listener knows that the Focuser is going to help them listen the way they need to be listened to, so there is no need for guessing, and the Focuser can ask for what they need. It moves the emphasis from the listener to the Focuser in teaching listening.
Three common things we can ask/teach as a Focuser—either orally or with a hand gesture—is when we need:
a prompt question (can raise your finger to ask for a prompt)
a reflection (can wave your hand to yourself to ask for a reflection)
more time (can put your hand on your chest, as a way to say you are inside and need some time/space there)
(I do not know the source of the gestures. If you do, please let me know by email or in the comments below.)
2. The listening you can offer: setting boundaries
In Gendlin’s Focusing book, on page 161, he says:
"When you are being pushed too far, call a halt, set a limit. Do this before you blow up or get mad. Protect the other person from what happens when you don't take care of your needs. Say what you want or don't want, while you still have the time and concern to stay and hear what it means to the other person."
This quote highlights one of the ways that we can set boundaries while listening. While it is true that we invite the Focuser to use the time as they’d like (for example, sometimes people talk rather than Focus, and it is their time), there can be limits to what we are willing or able to offer, both in one-off exchanges (for example in a class or at a Changes Group), or in ongoing, long-term Focusing partnerships between peers.
If you’re boundaries are being pushed and you sense you are having trouble holding space for someone, here are my three suggested steps:
first, try to reground yourself, activate your heart energy. Can you return yourself to a Focusing attitude, of presence and non-judgement? In other words, can you let go of your feelings for now. One way to do this is to acknowledge them and let them know you’ll come back to them later, either during your turn (if this can be done tactfully) or at another time (perhaps at some other Focusing session or with journalling).
two, let them know you can't listen to that topic if it is too much for you (e.g. you are worried you’ll get triggered, or don’t feel you have the skills for their topic), and ask them to choose another one. You can say no! This can happen in class, for example, when we are wanting to practice skills, and so want to choose smallish to medium issues to practice with. Similarly, this can happen due to the energy someone is bringing (maybe you’re getting scared of their anger). Here, switching from empathy to compassion might do the trick as well.
three, call a halt to the session if you sense your body saying that you cannot listen to them at all (or if in a trio situation, you could ask the other person to listen, or to co-listen). If this happens while you are in a class or Changes Group, there is also the possibility of asking for help.
3. Doing a relationship check
Relationship checks are another concept I learned from Dr. Janet Klein and Interactive Focusing. She proposes an interactive closing where we can see:
how one now feels about their partner
how one now feels about themselves
The relationship check provides an opportunity to be with the process as people who have just had an interaction, rather then some of the details of the listening needs as described in point one about Storyteller-as teacher. This places emphasis on the connection, and can be quite lovely in short exchanges and in ongoing partnerships.
Inviting a relationship check for an ongoing partnership can also provide an opportunity to work through something we are unclear about. Sometimes we can use our Focusing time to sense into that, and at other times we might like to have a Focusing conversation about the something that we sense is getting in the way of connecting more deeply and safety as partners.
Other things to consider in Focusing partnerships:
Share the time equally. You can read more about the importance of this in Gendlin’s essay on partnerships from 1987 (For example, during a Changes Group of one hour there are typically 25 or 30-minute turns for groups of two, and 15-20 minute turns for groups of three)
Keeping time. As the listener, ask the Focuser at the beginning how much of a time warning they want before the end of their turn. Normally a two-minute warning is good, but some people like more or less time. And more time is nice if it is a longer turn. For example, you might give both a five- and two-minute warning.
The typical trio order. When Focusing in groups of two, the first Focuser becomes the second listener. However, when in groups of three, there are multiple ways to proceed. The typical order is that the Focuser becomes the observer, the previous listener the next Focuser, and the observer the new listener. This allows the previous Focuser to continue to be with their process if needed. That said, it is also typical for the observer to keep time, to support the previous two points. Finally, it can be nice to switch the order sometime. Being the listener after Focusing can deepen the successive Focusing processes, in my experience.
Privacy and confidentiality. You decide what to share aloud with your listener. You can stay quiet the whole time if you choose to keep everything private. And as the listener, you agree to keep anything that is shared confidentially.
See TIFI’s (The International Focusing Institute) guidelines for other common questions and answer about Focusing Partnerships:
https://focusing.org/partnership-network/frequently-asked-questions-about-focusing-partnerships