Finding some calm: the power of memories and the right name for them

Focusing practice is known to have six steps or movements. But the first step is really a preparatory one. To be able to Focus, we need to be feeling calm, grounded and safe in the body. So how do we achieve that state?

There are a few ways. We can use the traditional more top down ways of Clearing a Space for yourself, as articulated by Eugene Gendlin, by gently acknowledging the things that are in the way of us feeling ok, and then putting them beside us at just the right distance. This can be quite close to us, across the room (maybe in a box), or further away, like outside the door in the hallway. Or we can practice more bottom-up ways like breathwork, a body scan, or my favourite Grounded Aware Presence by David Rome.

However a really powerful and personal way to find calm is to visit a memory of a time we have felt this way in real life. For many, this is a time in nature. Below, you will find some links to two recordings I’ve done to bring you to a memory of a calm time in your life. One is an audio version on Insight Timer followed by a guided Focusing session, and the other a new video version.

Finding the right name or “handle”

I grew up close to Lake Superior in Wawa, a town in Ontario, Canada, a good 10 hours drive north of Toronto. My family spent many weekends hiking the trails in the provincial and national parks by the lake.

When I began Focusing and doing the exercise of recalling a time in nature to help find a grounded place, the shores of Lake Superior and its surrounding trails would come to mind. And the people—including friends and family—out for the hike.

These were good memories and visiting them was lovely, but there was something off in the handle or name that would come for them. Lake Superior didn’t feel right. It wasn’t just about the lake, but the vistas, cool rocks, ferns and fall colours of the forest too.

One day, when doing the exercise on this spot and related memories again, it came: Algoma! This handle resonated. Algoma is the name of the region I’m from, and covers much of the Northeast shore of the lake and surrounding land. This was the word that really captured those memories.

Since then, just saying Algoma to myself can calm me down. I think of it as calm on speed dial. Or my own personal mantra to a grounded place.

The right handle really does make a difference. It provides us with more direct access to our inner resources.

I invite you to try one of the exercises below to find one of your special places in nature (or a cozy place indoors). It’s a great resource for accessing the state in us that is calm, safe, grounded, and the state where Focusing happens. I love doing this exercise over and over, as I will find other nice memories and slightly different feeling states. Like carefree in nature. Or awe!

When we can’t find a calm memory

Sometimes, when I lead this exercise in Focusing classes, students have trouble finding a calm memory, or staying with the one they find. Our memories are complex, and so our calm ones can often also have a sad, anxious or critical component. This phenomenon was beautifully shown in the Pixar film Inside Out.

The first thing to do is to give it some time. The initial memories that come to you may be complex, and then you might find one that is largely calm and lovely to be with. The body can take a few minutes to speak… so the first piece of advice is to have some patience.

But if a mostly calm memory doesn’t come, here are a few other things to try. Sometimes it’s a matter of acknowledging that there is another component that isn’t calm and then coming back to the part that is calm.

I did this for example with a memory of gardening as a teenager. My inner critic thought was that my garden wasn’t as nice as my mother’s. This caused some tension in my chest, shown as the red rectangle on the body card. Yet I could come back to the part of the memory that was grounding. The glowing, warm, subtle sensations of being alive from being connected to nature via the garden and surrounding forest.

Other times, you might like to create an imaginary place. A place that only you have access to. It can be any place in the word or beyond, and any time. You can choose the sounds, smells and other aspects of a place that would bring you calm and safety.

Instructions for not following instructions

And then, there are the times when your body just doesn’t want to be calm. It wants to be with something else. Perhaps you haven’t paused with yourself in a long time and something else really wants attention. In these instances, it’s not a matter of trying to do the exercise, but throwing out the instructions and staying with what the body needs. On this I quote The International Focusing Institute:

Adopt a "split-level" approach to all instructions: On the one hand follow the instructions exactly, so that you can discover the experiences to which they point. On the other hand be sensitive to yourself and your own body. Assume that only sound expansive experiences are worth having. The moment doing it feels wrong in your body, stop following the instruction, and back up slightly. Stay there with your attention until you can sense exactly what is going wrong.

These are very exact instructions for how not to follow instructions!

And, of course, they apply to themselves, as well.

In this way you will find your own body's steps, either through the instructions, or through what is wrong with them.

Focusing is always like that: You don't push on if it doesn't feel right, but you don't run away either. You go no further, but you back up only a little, so that you stay until what is in the way becomes clear.

And so in this way, if something else comes up in doing a practice, feel free to stay with it. Practicing Focusing or other embodiment practices in this way can bring a lot of safety. As Jan Winhall says:

This experience of feeling our power to choose what is right for us is exciting. If we know we can say no to something that doesn’t feel right, then we can build enough safety to go to the murky edge of exploring our felt sense. We can show up more fully if we stand up for ourselves.

Finally, you may need more centering before doing the exercise. If that feels like what your body needs, pause the recording, and go back to clearing a space or grounding until you are ready to continue with the practice.

Practice Finding a Calm Place

• YouTube: Finding Calm

• Insight Timer: Finding a Grounded Place + Focusing (20:54 minutes)